Hey man sorry I got all grabby
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
