I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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