At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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