mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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