It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
