Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
