I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
