There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
