last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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