I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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