your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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