you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Drunk is not a location!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
