I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
