Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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