I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she smelled like a LAN party
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
