Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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