its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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