Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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