I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
