After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
