How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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