So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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