I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
