i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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