I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
