I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
