u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
