my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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