I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
