Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
