he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
