Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
