Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
