she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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