I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
