3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
