I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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