And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need a beard to bite.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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