I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
