My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
send nudes
from the living room?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
