Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
