just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
