I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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