I can tuck mytits in my pants
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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