Buhtt sex?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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