tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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