Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
