i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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