Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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