Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
