I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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