you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
