ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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