Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
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Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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