a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
