Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
