I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
