me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.