I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
