Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
